Flirting Online will ruin your Relationship
16/10/12 by Felicitas Heyne | Filed in: Love
Porn sites are not today’s sole web sites interfering with real relationships. Other online-overtures are also busy creating the illusion of a maximal availability of never-ending supplies of alternative partners and in that way secretly, clandestinely and through the back door undermine actual relationships. Flirting exchanges, chat rooms, news groups, online role-playing, and social networks – wherever one looks, everywhere alternatives to vanilla sex at home. It was never any easier to experience the security of a real relationship and the titillation of flirting and cheating at the same time. A tempting opportunity to thumb one’s nose at every day’s stress. My husband is more interested in the super bowl than in me and has once again forgotten to bring the soda along? Let‘s just see if I can’t find more willing partners for a conversation on Facebook. My partner is constantly griping at me and is rarely interested in sex? Why not register at Match.com just for fun, just to see what my chances are . . .
According to researchers, here the allure is primarily found in three aspects of the cyber affair. We already met the first two – anonymity and convenience on the subject online-pornography. The user also lives protected by a virtual identity, never must reveal him/herself, when things start to get uncomfortable, his dreams, desires can “disappear” with a click. In the real world the escapade leaves no traces – thus the danger of being found out is considerably reduced. Just as with the consumption of porn it is not even necessary to leave home in order to virtually stray. The boundaries of space and time have been removed. In real life a secret affair between someone from Hamburg and someone from Munich would involve an incredible logistic effort – not so in virtual space.
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At first blush these “little escapades” leaving every-day-life and the real partnership behind may appear to be harmless, but they are by no means that. By now many studies have demonstrated that the betrayed experience virtual unfaithfulness like the real thing. It triggers the identical feelings of an actual affair: Hurt, anger, humiliation and low self-esteem. In 2003 an Australian study revealed that an on-line affair affects the partner more deeply than watching porn. The realization that one’s own partner desires another person more than oneself triggers intense insecurity. At the same time such an act of virtual infidelity is more of a threat than the consumption of porn because the counterpart also appears to be more concrete as a person than some anonymous porn performer. In 2009 well covered by the media the relationship of a British couple broke up as a consequence of a virtual escapade: Lisa caught her friend John while he was engaged in the virtual community “Second Life” under the nickname “Troy Hammerthal” having Avatar sex with a man. John’s protestations that the entire matter was just a game and not real did him no good. Lisa terminated the relationship – for her the issue that John preferred virtual sex with a man to genuine sex with her was just too demeaning. It can only be guessed at how many relationships become unstuck in complete privacy and without media coverage due to these or similar circumstances – today reliable statistics about this are unavailable. At any rate, couple therapeutics all over the world report a dramatic increase in the subject’s growing presence.
Without a doubt at the present time just the tip of the iceberg is visible to us. For instance Mark Keenan, chief executive of “Divorce-Online” an info portal on the subject of divorces sounded the alarm as early as in December 2009: At that time a Facebook-Flirt that got out of hand was the reason for every fifth divorce in Great Britain – with the trend on the rise. Back then Keenan stated to the newspaper “Daily Telegraph” “The most frequent cause appears to be people inappropriately chatting about sex with folks with whom they should rather not do that.” Other countries are following. 2011 according to a leading Austrian attorney: “In Austria Facebook and the like already play a role in every 10th divorce – and that means: of 1.900 divorces annually. When something at home doesn’t work as expected only very few can resist the temptation to look for old infatuations or the first love. In those cases for many the question “what could have been, if . . . ?” represents the first step into the, at first virtual imagined and frequently also amorous escapade later converted to reality. An indication that this estimated number appears to be growing in leaps and bounds is demonstrated by the fact that it has already been the cause for the development of a lucrative business model: We are already aware of specialized computer companies earning their keep at cracking the password of a Facebook- (or other social network) account! In most cases, customers are partners who became leery and now want to catch their dearest at clandestine amorous activities on these platforms . . .
Cyber affairs are a frequently underrated threat to relationships – the standard excuse of those caught red handed is hapless John’s already quoted as: “Nothing really happened!” Obviously that is incorrect. Although it may be correct that no real (physical) cheating took place; after everything is said and done, a virtual betrayal is even more damaging to the partnership. People who are involved in a Cyber affair begin to increasingly withdraw from their real partner. They are emotionally distanced, disinterested and less prepared to invest in the relationship. Their every day engagement declines and they spend more and more hours online and have decreasing energy and time for their partner and their obligations at home. They react dismissively or aggressively and with increased withdrawal to inquiries or reproaches. Secrecies and lies increasingly characterize the communication with their partner. They are withholding their devotion, warmth, passion and intimacy from their real partner and devote them to their virtual partner. All those surveyed indicated that they eventually and increasingly preferred to share the things that truly moved them with their online rather than with their real partner. American scientists have coined the term “emotional cheating” for this behavior. Even when it does not culminate in “actual” infidelity, it is not without consequences for the relationship. Following a relevant study in 2004, Heather Underwood and Bruce Findlay at Swinburne University in Australia came to the conclusion that the preponderant number of those involved in online-affairs experienced the latter as a lot more satisfying than their real relationship: less habitual, sexually and emotionally more fulfilling. Although most of the surveyed disputed that their virtual relationship represented no danger to their real relationship, the objectivity of this assessment has to be subject to some skepticism.
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Still hesitating? Okay, why don’t you click on alibinetwork.com! Here you’ll find professionals who make their money by covering your tracks during your escapade. For lousy US$ 175 they’ll send you an “official” invitation as proof that you are urgently requested to attend an event. You can then leave it lying around at home for your partner to find and to make sure that he/she does not get the wrong idea. And best of all: There is even a telephone number where your partner can reach you in an emergency while away. An amiable “secretary” will then inform him/her that she has to find you and that you will return the call as soon as possible . . . You can book your love nest for the same price: Hotel bookings are not made under your name, but the agency’s postal address; and should you forget your toiletry bag in the heat of the embrace, that will also be discretely returned via the agency. In case money is no object and you need maximal freedom you can simply become an official member of the club of your choice. From then on you can always claim attendance at an urgent meeting. Well, and potentially at one point the arrangement will ruin your relationship, as well. But then those are obviously the risks of the Worldwide Web . . .
This article was written by psychologist and book author Felicitas Heyne. She is the developer of the iPersonic personality test. Take the free personality test now and get in-depth career advice and life coaching from our unique iPersonic personality profiles!
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