In my previous article on the subject Stress and Partnership I already reflected on about how much your partnership can be taxed by stress. As promised, here are now the first ideas illustrating what good stress management in the relationship can look like. Most of them are out of, or are based on the already mentioned book by Guy Bodenmann (that I would like to again recommend in the strongest terms, but unfortunately only exists in German). Continue reading ...

Tags: Stress, relationship

We generally tend to be unaware that all those major and apparently unimportant everyday stress experiences cumulatively have an impact on us and that includes an impact on our relationship: A strenuous, time consuming day at work, demanding children, the partner’s varying needs and sensitivities, hassles with the colleagues and/or the relatives plus all those small annoyances like the washing machine giving out, a missed appointment, noisy neighbors, a traffic jam on the way home, the lost wallet ... Continue reading ...

Tags: Stress, relationship

In the course of his studies with couples the relationship researcher John Gottman identified five behaviors that he actually christened the “The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.

According to his research, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse represent communication patterns with a sufficiently destructive influence that, if given a free reign, almost pre-ordain the demise of even the most perfect relationships. In case you are living in a relationship – or are entertaining the thought to do that (again) – it would probably be beneficial to identify these threatening creatures and in that way get a bead on your mutual enemies. That gives you the opportunity to unmask and banish these harbingers of doom while you still have the chance!
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Tags: John Gottman, horsemen, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, Stonewalling, Belligerence

Question of a Reader: "I am an introvert myself but my friend is totally extroverted. At first it was no problem because I tend to believe that he likes the fact that I am very quiet. And I also liked it because he is a funny, lively chap and because there are aspects to his nature I am lacking but find interesting. On the other hand the problem is that he is extremely talkative and inquisitive. While he always tries to draw strangers into conversations regardless of the location, be it the drug store or the hot dog stand in order to learn something new, I am the exact opposite. I prefer to avoid getting involved in conversations with others because it just isn’t my thing and I would rather be left alone, most of the time I wouldn’t even know what to say. Originally, we saw our contrast in a positive light and told each other that we would be able to help each other - I to get him to quiet down and keep his feet on the ground and he by helping me to open up a little. However, the reality is that he is a person who truly enjoys conversations, who knows a lot about lots of things and who can talk for hours. And that is the point when things get very stressful for me. I am always being delegated to the corner and can’t get out of it. When I happen to say something, he immediately has something to contribute and is right back in control of the conversation. Conversations are wonderful if everyone gets his or her turn but it's a bit much for me when I am always relegated to the role of a listener. Beyond that I fear to bore him when I say nothing. Can this relationship work nonetheless?"
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Tags: introversion, partnership, extroversion, love

It‘s mostly after the first two or three failed relationships that one can‘t avoid to figure out that partners without a past relationship are difficult or not at all to come by. Once one has made it past 30 the possibility that the new love also comes attached to a bunch of kids is relatively high. After all, today every third marriage ends in divorce; some studies even suggest that soon it will be every second marriage. What are the effects of the “ex” on the new relationship? And how can a “second wife” or “second husband” deal with them? Continue reading ...

Tags: Ex-Partner, relationship

Sometimes readers do send me suggestions for topics. For instance, Diana recently wrote: “Dear Felicitas Heyne, at some point I would love to read your contribution on the topic major age difference in relationships. After all, one hears about «it can really work well because so much can be learned from each other», to «hell no, this only involves emotional hang-ups». I know that this is a wide field and in the final essence, everybody has to make his/her own choice. Nevertheless, I would very much appreciate your comments. Maybe you can also recount some of your own professional experiences regarding this subject.” Continue reading ...

Tags: age difference, relationship

Today the subject again deals with different personality styles, this time with the focus on the traits “extroverted” and “introverted”, respectively. If you diagnosed your type with the help of our free personality test, you already know whether you are an extrovert or an introvert:

Extroverted: Energetic Doer, Laid-Back Doer, Determined Realist, Social Realist, Spontaneous Idealist, Engaged Idealist, Groundbreaking Thinker, Dynamic Thinker

Introverted: Individualistic Doer, Sensitive Doer, Reliable Realist, Good-Natured Realist, Dreamy Idealist, Harmony-Seeking Idealist, Analytical Thinker, Independent Thinker Continue reading ...

Tags: communication, introversion, extroversion

In surveys 25 – 30% of all women regularly report that their partnership is suffering from a difficult relationship between themselves and their mother-in-law. Today experts assume that one of the two partners’ mother-in-law plays a decisive role in approximately 12.5% of all marriages ending up before a divorce court. In other words, every eight marriage (also) fails due to the mother of one of the partners. In surveys the daughters-in-law clearly outnumber the sons-in-law with their grievances. Although the latter enjoy telling ribald jokes about their mother-in-law at the regulars‘ table, all in all they generally appear to be at least satisfied when asked a little more seriously. Continue reading ...

Tags: mother in law, Family, husband

Therapies for couples can be a demanding affair all on their own; for the therapist it is frequently like walking on eggshells between empathy and neutrality among the wishes of both partners and the struggle not to be made into an ally in a bad triangle. If one of the two partners is borderliner as well, as a therapist I then feel as if I am dealing with a relationship powder keg ready to explode at the smallest wrong move. Continue reading ...

Tags: borderline, Personality disorder, relationship

Besides their profession, for most people a partnership is the most important component of their life. Research proves that a lasting, happy loving Besides their profession, for most people a partnership is the most important component of their life. Research proves that a lasting, happy loving relationship is actually one of the most important, if not the most important key to individual happiness. Most of us appear to know this instinctively and therefore – except for a very few solitarily folks among us – at some point most of the singles sooner or later are again looking for a (new) partner. Introverts admittedly often hesitate longer than extroverts. For one that is because they can deal better with being alone and therefore value the advantages of being single more than extroverts. Apart from that, for them it is difficult to approach other people – and that is naturally the basic prerequisite when one is looking for a new partner! Continue reading ...

Tags: introversion, love, relationship, dating

A while ago we were once again invited to a civil marriage ceremony. Since the registrar in charge limited herself to coming up with a dry, boring “boiler-plate” program on the subject of marriage, love, partnership instead of a personal presentation I could not help myself but to let my thoughts wander while listening to her. I was once again pondering the question about the role played by rituals in our every day lives including our partnerships. Continue reading ...

Tags: love, ritual, relationship