iPersonic Blog

Career and life advice by Felicitas Heyne

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Analyzing your self-image (Self Confidence, Part 4)

During the last time while on the subject of self-confidence I proposed that you establish a “Benevolent Inner Observer” as the counterweight to you “Inner Detractor” within yourself. It is meant to help you treat yourself a little more leniently and gently in your normal every day life as well as in times of stress and frustration, than you probably normally would. Most people with low self-esteem are very good at tearing themselves down and calling themselves names because they are not used at motivating and building themselves up. Today I would like you to take one step further and analyze your entire self-image one more time. If I am not totally off base with my assessment, you have been lots more generous with the darker colors while you simply ignored a lot of brightness and beauty. Continue reading ...

The Benevolent Inner Observer (Self Confidence, Part 3)

Today I am back to one of my favorite subjects on this Blog: The subject of self-confidence. Part 1 dealt with all sorts of reasons for a lack of self confidence, while in part 2 you already received your first tips how you may be able to question a potential innermost negative dialogue with yourself and how you may be able to replace it with one that should be more helpful. With this contribution I would like to try and give you some support in dealing a little more friendly with yourself in every day life.

Experience shows that people with a reduced sense of self worth like to live according the motto: “Love your neighbor more than yourself!” Surely a socially acceptable mantra and for those around you obviously quite comfortable and agreeable! However not a particularly fertile soil for the growth of a sound self-confidence and innermost equilibrium – and if one is inclined to believe the bible, even God is less exacting in his demands of us and He probably knows why… Continue reading ...

Dealing with negative thoughts (Self Confidence, Part 2)

As already discussed in Part 1, today we don’t deal with the potential reasons for an underdeveloped feeling of self worth but with helpful strategies to make some changes. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that would help to change low self-confidence into a stronger sense of confidence over night. I personally don’t think much of weekend workshops when brain washing is supposed to change negative thinking into a positive attitude within a few hours. Our thought processes are the result of years, decades of evolution and programming and these patterns are deeply embedded. To change that takes lots of discipline, effort and time (after all, it took lots of effort and time to embed it in us that deeply, in the first place!) Therefore, the most important appeal to you going in: Please have patience with yourself! If you take too much on in the beginning and then are disappointed and blame yourself you are already in the middle of a totally counter productive process! Because now you put yourself down to begin with instead of dealing with yourself a little more lovingly and fairly. It is much smarter to set yourself small and attainable goals and not to give up if you occasionally have the feeling of not getting anywhere. It is worth it, I guarantee it! Continue reading ...

Learning to trust yourself (Self-Confidence, Part 1)

During recent conversations with my clients I frequently thought about how many of their concerns and emotional hardships were rooted in the concepts of self-confidence, self- respect, feeling of self-worth – or rather the lack of it. Whether you are the young man who is tired of being single but has lost almost all hope because he really can’t find anything worth loving in himself. Or the woman in her best years whose children are past the most difficult stages and now nothing stands in the way of her return to professional life – except her conviction that she won’t be up to a work day and its demands. Or the pretty girl in her mid twenties who has postponed a vital operation for much too long because the thought of a scar disfiguring her otherwise perfect body is just too terrible to contemplate. Somehow it’s always the same thing: “I don’t like myself.” “I am not good enough the way I am.” “I am useless unless I am perfect.” “I am incompetent.”

Self-confidence, the feeling of self-worth, self-esteem – in the final essence they are all rooted in self-respect and the appreciation of the strengths and weaknesses making us the person we are. Those who have been fortunate were given a healthy portion of it during childhood: They had parents whose demands were neither too high (and thus asking too much) nor too low (and thus lacking stimulus for an optimal development). They may have received many positive impulses from home and other people, experienced lots of love, affection and interest and therefore developed the feeling of being liked by others regardless of their own achievements. If they were truly children of the sun they were even fortunate with their friends and fellow students – these days described as a peer group. They were accepted, became a part and were made to feel comfortable and appreciated. Usually this represents the “fertile soil” for a pretty solid feeling of self-worth, the sense that one is alright and going to somehow manage dealing with life’s demands - albeit sometimes a little more easily than at others, but satisfactorily, nevertheless. Then one takes minor adversities or negative experiences in stride; they don’t begin diminishing one as a person in one’s own eyes. Continue reading ...

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